Frightened

Here are the crazy thoughts that actually found their way into my head tonight as I was sitting in the dark, on a perfect beautiful night, on my patio, listening to music. I was thinking back about when I was pregnant with Sami and how she was really just theoretical at that time. I mean, every once in a while -- because I was seeing a "high risk" pregnancy specialist (you know, because I was "of a certain age") -- I would get to glimpse her grainy features in a 3D ultrasound, but ultimately she was still just a blob, more or less. I absolutely could not WAIT to see how she was going to look and be -- that was the thing I anticipated most about finally delivering her -- was to see this little being that I'd been speculating about all this time. But the high risk "people" had this knack of providing wildly horrendous and scary possibilities for me to go home and worry about with every visit. What if this or that went wrong? Anyway, here I sit, and I'm thinking about how I handled it at the time (which was, in retrospect probably Not Very Well) and how I kept applying their doomsaying to this blob thing--and even that was terribly scary, you know, but I dealt with it with Michael's unwavering assurance that everything was going to be fine. So I was thinking, what if I knew Sami the way I know her now -- her personality; her penchant for making me laugh; her sweet, sweet nature; her sunny smile, her beautiful heart... can you imagine if you somehow had to possess that knowledge of truly knowing her like I know her now, and then have to back up and go through all that scariness again? I mean, it was one thing applying all that fear to an unknown person... what if I had to go back and face all that fright knowing that the scary possibilities they would list for me existed, and actually referenced the Sami I know now. My gosh. Can you imagine the angst? The basket case I would have been?! So I was thinking that. But in a thankful way.

And how weird that I find a way to be thankful that I didn't have to be that frightened. :-)

And then that got me to thinking that even though it is my birthday tomorrow, and that that used to be such a Big Deal -- but that this time Michael has to be out of town for 4 days over my birthday and basically it'll just be me and Sami for my birthday. And I thought about how much I love her... and him. And how it just isn't a big deal any more for me to think about celebrating Me on my birthday. Sure I rationalized some purchases of some new clothes this past week, and I'll admit Sami and I made a special trip walking to the store today to buy a nice bottle of my favorite wine in anticipation of a solo dinner of crab legs and chardonnay tomorrow night--just for myself. But I'm not playing the martyr with this scene. It is truly a happy thought to think of spending my birthday with Sami, at the same time I look forward to acknowledging the day in some pleasant way with Michael when he returns from his work conference. Geez. What's the deal? Have I actually matured finally? Have I learned not to be so selfish? Who knew having this amazing experience every day with this incredible daughter brought along with it such satisfying life lessons? :-)

Enough about me. Today, while I was working, Sami kept sidling up and tugging on some papers I was working on that were on top my desk but within her reach. And I decided that even though "they" say you shouldn't try to teach your baby right from wrong at this age--that in fact, it is better just to distract them--I had this feeling that she's smart enough, and has enough consciousness about herself that she could begin to grasp the basics of right and wrong--yes and no. So I told her "no." Firmly, but not in a mean fashion. And it was more about my facial expressions. She's so used to me smiling and being delighted with her, and when I wasn't, it clearly made an impression. So she did it, like, 4 times in a row. To test me and make sure she was seeing what she was seeing. That is, a stern mom that wasn't that amused with her. It totally flummoxed her. She just stood there at my side, looking earnestly into my eyes, and then you could see a little flicker pass by her eyes... and she took hold of my hand, and pressed it to her mouth in her version of a kiss.

Yeah. She got me with that one. :-)